My So-Called "Best Friend"

I googled "frustration" and this is what I found. Lol, I'm khol (crazy in Farsi), I know...

So today I invited my best friend (she's Vietnamese) to go watch the screening of "The September Issue" later this week. It is a documentary of what goes on behind the scenes of the highly credible fashion magazine, Vogue. And of course, I love fashion so I have been waiting with anticipation to watch this film. Anyway, I invited her, told her it was a free screening and all, and her response was: "I don't think I'll be interested".. . ..... . ... . . . ... .

Now, it is perfectly fine not to be interested in fashion, that isn't the problem here. The problem is that she is my best friend and she doesn't bother to go anywhere much with me or hang out with me aside from the whispers we exchange in the one class we have together this semester. She doesn't even call or text me on her breaks. Now, I am not one of those complete khol's (crazy's) who thinks someone is their best friend when they are clearly not. She has told me numerous of times that I am her best friend. Hell, she's even made video's of our pics and video's together and posted them on Youtube. So I know this is not a one way thing or anything. We also used to hang out a lot. Maybe not outside of school so much, but she'd at least come to 2 out of the 5 things I'd invite her to. And on our breaks, we'd always hang out together. But lately, she just runs home every chance she gets. Maybe it's because she has a new boyfriend now, but it was like this before him as well. So I am not going to put all the blame on him. I just feel as if she prioritizes everything else besides our friendship. And I've told her about it and gotten into arguments with her over this stuff before, and I swear, I feel like I'm a nagging girlfriend complaining to her ignorant boyfriend. But anytime I tell anyone how I feel, they always tell me I have every right to be upset or angry. So I know it's not me!

It just bothers me that my best friend doesn't give me much time. It is literally a struggle to hang out. We saw each other ONCE during the entire summer. Now we were both studying this summer so that is understandable. However, the one time we hung out, we planned it 4 days or so in advance. To me, there is something wrong with that picture right there. She is always busy with family, or school, or something. I know most those things are important than hanging with a friend, but I just believe it shouldn't be so much of a struggle. I mean, shouldn't your best friend want to hang out with you? Or am I the one who's nuts here?!?!?!?! I have confronted her and she knew she had to try harder and here I go asking her to come along to a movie with me. Yes it is a documentary about a fashion magazine, which she might not be completely excited about like I am, but it's not as if I asked her to go see a documentary of the damn everglades!!! Hell, she sits in the very front row of the one class we have together, and I don't like sitting in the front. But, I do it anyway because I like her and I'd like to see her and hang out with her. But fuck it, from now on, my own desires will come first before hers and I will no longer sit in the front with her. If she asks why, I'll tell her I'm not interested in the front row. HA!

Really, though, I am just tired of trying. I will not confront her anymore, I will not bother to hang out with her anymore. I'll never ask her to come anywhere with me. I'm tired of her and her reasonings for everything. I am done with her. I can make other friends, I don't need a friend who very clearly doesn't value me as much as I value her. In fact, I will stop valuing her. I am just done here. DONE!

First Days of the Semester

So school has officially commenced and everything has been so very hectic. The first day I was planning on parking in the garage on campus but they had blocked it off. WHY? I don't know. Then I tried to park to the parking lot next to the garage and THAT was blocked off as well. So then I tried parking in another major parking lot and IT was blocked off too. At that point I would have just ran over those stupid orange cones but next to it was a freaking traffic officer. I wanted to scream at them. WHO THE HELL BLOCKS OFF ALL THE FREAKING PARKING LOTS ON THE FIRST DAY SO NO ONE CAN PARK ANYWHERE?!?!?! Stupid institution. Not to mention that going from lot to lot, there was plenty of backed up traffic. I was SO late to my first class because of this and all I could say to my cousin who I was ranting on the phone with was "WHAT THE FUCK?" "what the HELL is going on?" repeatedly over and over again. She then realized I was going crazy and so she went to class for me. But then right when she got there I miraculously found a parking spot (hallelujah) and proceeded on to class.

I should add in here that I was fasting (yes, I am fasting this year) and so later had to ask for forgiveness from God for having such a yapping mouth.

Other then that, I am just trying to figure out which books to actually overspend on and which ones I wont really need. It's amazing how much you have to spend to acquire that little piece of paper so you can hang it on your wall with a boring frame in your office when you get a job. I doubt every time that I'm going to look at my degree that I'll swell up with pride. But, that's just me. I definitely believe education is very important and it opens your eyes to things, yes it is all very true. However, I just don't believe it ought to be so damn expensive.

Aside from all the hullabaloo, the start of the school year somehow is making me feel more lonely than usual. It's like everyone I see has someone to talk to and a lot of people I know either graduated or they aren't the people I just love to be around. My best friend always runs off home the first chance she gets and if her boyfriend doesn't have work or class, he tags along with her. He is always with her. So she never even calls me or anything on her breaks. I don't blame him though, he is a good kid. And she was like this before him. I frankly give up on trying with her she's always busy with everything else. There is always something. My other good friend, she's taking her DAT soon so she is skipping classes to study. That is definitely understandable. I can't wait for it to be over so we can hang out! I think the reason I feel loneliness is because last year I had a boyfriend and his apartment was very close to campus so I'd just hang out with him on breaks. On top of that, he used to work at the university center and so if I had nothing to do, he was always there. I definitely miss that. Well, I miss him. But he is an entirely different story. I just find myself on my laptop a lot in between breaks when I really should be hanging out with friends. *Sigh*.

Oh, well. I'm sure it'll get better, especially when the assignments start. I already have a few, but true to form, I am procrastinating ;o).

At the moment: every-freaking-one around me is eating and it smells so mouth-watering-good. I just want to grab the burger next to the guy sitting next to me's hand and swallow it like a pig. I guess this is the point of fasting. Hunger and self-control over it.

Incubus & a Rainbow

On our drive to the Incubus concert, I saw the prettiest rainbow I have ever witnessed. It was in its full semi-circle glory and it was badass, even though it was raining pretty hardcore on the way here.

I am currently at the incubus concert and posting this with my phone. Incubus isn't out yet and so there is a random opening band playing right now. I am sure it is going to be an amazing concert though. We spread a big blanket and are all on the lawn. It's an outdoor concert with no rooftop so thank God it's not raining at the moment! Although it was raining lightly on the walk to the pavilion and we are all icky and wet. It's all part of the fun though!

Side note: I published this post today. However, I actually wrote it on Friday as that is when I actually was at the concert. No matter what I did, the post wouldn't send through so I just re-wrote it here.

Masteh Khiar

My breath stinks right now because i think my mother put seer (garlic) in the masteh khiar (yogurt). Ugh...i hate seer!

Today, I was shopping for pillow cases and I lost my cell phone! It's so weird because for some reason, I had a feeling I was going to lose something today. The store didn't have a phone that made out calls so I was fucked. I gave my name and a number where I could be reached to a guy who worked there. I drove home real quick, and started calling my phone number repeatedly with my sisters phone with anticipation.

...finally this man answered! He was so kind too. It is just so rare to find good people. It could have easily been stolen. He waited for me and I drove there and got the phone from him. Then i found these fabulous Ralph Lauren navy blue flats, they were so chic and I wanted them so badly. But I couldn't find it in my size. My sister and I searched and searched and found every size but mine. I had a strong feeling I was going to find it though, and kept on searching. I felt like it was my lucky day. And lo and behold, I finally found it! It was a very special moment.

Lol, that is all for today. Time to go scoop me some ice cream.

At the moment: my cat just came out of the cat litter and I held him real quick to cuddle and now my hand smells like ass

Ouija Board Experience

Last night was again one of those random crazy summer nights. It started with my friends and I going to a hookah cafe. My sister and I walked in and we quickly realized that a few of the men who go to this religious/cultural center that my parents go to often were there! I should mention here that my parents are fairly conservative and old-fashioned Iranian people. Growing up, I was never allowed to wear anything even slightly revealing. I still can't. This means, no sleeveless or cleavage showing tops, and no skirts above the knee. And of course, nothing too tight. Obviously, I never comply with these rules and so I frequently have what I like to call "costume changes" in the car. Or, I just put a jacket, pantyhose, or tights on and take it off later. Lately though, I just try to dress a little bit more conservatively simply because I believe it to be more elegant. In my teenage years, I do believe the constrictions caused me to dress a little bit more revealing then I do now. I still never dressed skanky or anything, nothing Mariah Carey-esque...I know it's somewhat funny and kind of sad that at the age of twenty one I still have to go through this but that is life. Any persian girl with strict parents will tell you that you must simply hide a part of your life and self from your parents at all times.

Moving on, though, we realized that one of these men were my ameh's (aunt from dad's side) husband! And me and my sis were BOTH wearing sleeveless tops. We both looked at each other and said fuck! My cousin thinks they didn't see us. Either way, we chilled there for so long that they left eventually so we never had to find out. Phew! Very close call. Note to self: never, EVER go to a place with a lot of middle eastern people and wear anything even slightly revealing. EVER!

So aside from that, as we were hanging out, somehow the conversation turned to the experiences a particular girl friend of mine had with the Ouija board. She seemed to have researched a lot about it and her and her roommates had even bought one. In fact, she was an Atheist and after playing the game, decided she believed since if spirits are real, then everything else must be as well. And then, her boyfriend suggested we go buy one and play. I really didn't want to. I am a firm believer in God and do believe the Ouija board works and just didn't want to mess with it. However, my sister has been dying to play. She really loves ghost stories and believes in stuff like that. As do I, but I'm freaked out by it whereas she finds it fascinating. Anyways, I had no choice but to tag along.

We all went to Walmart to buy it and it turns out that they didn't have it. So we bought the supplies to make it ourselves. Then we went to my friends house, turned down the lights, and they began (I didn't participate). It started out slow and then they made contact with one spirit. We figured from him/her that there was only one spirit present and he didn't want to be bothered. Every question we asked, the pointer would move to "goodbye". After the third time, we got the hint and tried to go outside my friends house in the backyard. Nothing happened there. So then we decided to go to this water wall in the surrounding area. Over there, there were a lot of trees and supposedly, Jin's live under trees. At this point I am really paranoid and try really hard to not even look at the trees for fear of seeing one. They say if you ever see one and they know, they will ruin your life.

Anywho, we picked a spot in this small grass field with a sidewalk and played there. This time the speaker was a friend who kind of took things as a joke. And because he was laughing and stuff, when he asked "are we bothering you?" the spirit said "u yes". We thought that was trippy. So then they switched his spot with another friend and he was able to make contact.

He asked how many spirits there were? 5.

How many guardian spirits there were present? 5.

If one of them was a particular friend who was playing's guardian spirit? Yes.

His name? Russ.

Anything after that though was rubbish. So we said goodbye and decided that spirit was just messing with us. Then we went to different places in that area and tried to again but nothing happened. I even attempted a couple times, but nothing.

All good though, I won't be messing with stuff like that again. It gets exciting and then I can see how it can become a sort of "fun". I can also see how it can turn into trouble. So no more for me!

Anyways those are the significant things that have happened so far. I also discovered this website that sells cute handmade type things. Check it: Etsy. Haven't ordered anything from it yet but maybe one day if something really catches my eye, I will. I am just not that big of an online shopper.

Eh, o.k. tired of typing for now. This blog turned out pretty long!

Zendegi va Khoda

Lately I have been thinking a lot about why things happen the way they do, even when it hurts so much. I came to the conclusion, and I am still not sure if I actually firmly believe in this, that God just perhaps has something better in store for us. By the word better I don't mean that whatever we were going through was worth crap or anything, but that something is in store for us that befits us even better than before. I came to this conclusion yesterday, when I was in over my head, fuming and upset with anger and hurt at someone I really care about, my ex boyfriend. I will refer to him as my "ex boyfriend" and whoever reads this blog can assume it is him unless I specify that it is about some other ex boyfriend. Because frankly, all my other ex's are just not really worth pondering about at all. Anyways, after meeting up with my bestie at Barnes & Nobles, I decided to go to this lake close to my house and just clear my head and think some. It actually helped. The lake was so calm and serene, I couldn't help but to mimic its mood. Although I may not exactly entirely accept my own conclusion, I will have to one day because I believe it is the only thing that can keep me sane. I am not typically some crazy, emotional girl, but I guess I was yesterday. Everyone has their moments I guess...

Aside from my melodrama, today I finally received my belated birthday present from my parents in the mail: my new, red marc by marc jacobs wallet! I love it and can't wait to put all my things in it. I haven't yet because today I am having one of those very "blah" days and am too lazy to do anything particularly productive. But, I gotta say, I love these kinds of days too!

Some more detail into my life: Last night (or early this morning, I should say) at around 3 a.m. me and a few friends got the miraculous idea to go to Walmart and wax my guy friends chest. As we were inside Walmart looking for the wax, we realized we needed a microwave to heat it! And so we went outside my friend who was getting his chest waxed's house to do it. It was one of those random summer night things and it was hilarious, I don't think I've laughed so hard in my life! My sister did all the waxing, as I am not too keen on such things. But it was just SO funny to watch a guy go through so much pain!

Aside from that little tid-bit, my aunt also left for Vancouver, Canada a few days ago and so we might, might be going there before school starts on the 23rd. I really hope we do but because it is so very last minute, it might get a little expensive. I have to say though, Vancouver is the perfect way to end a not-so-eventful summer since all I did was study (which btw, I officially moved back my test date so I have some wiggle room). Although I still do need to hit the books and what not, Vancouver would be a really nice place to do so since I've gone there so many times. Therefore, I've already seen everything. But I'm just dreaming cause I highly doubt my sister and I will go. My mother, however, most likely will since it is her sister who's there and all.

Okay, enough gut-spilling for tonight. Time to get back to peeling my soaked almonds and finding a good movie to watch online...

Too Much

Thursday night I decided to relax and go out because I was having some internal female frustrations with myself. We all went to this cute little "village" and all my friends insisted I drink and stuff since my 21st b-day had just come up! And so I got incredibly intoxicated + some other things t0o. Hehehehe. I had fun tho, one of my guy friends even gave me a lap dance which was horrifying actually, but it was all in fun. Also, last night my cousins and sis decided to just have a girls night. We went to a wine tasting cafe called and ordered a bottle of bubblies with a cheese platter. I love cheese, I wish I could have some right now! Afterwards, we went to a pub right next to it to eat and I had been craving fish and chips, so I ordered it and it was delicious!

I have to say I am really impressed with my cousin. Let's just say she was really going down the wrong path and digging herself in deeper and deeper and now, she has managed to hold on and dig herself out. Seeing her this time was truly inspiring, I am really proud of her. Bad experiences, as long as it doesn't kill you, can only make you stronger. I feel like the worse the experience, the more stronger you come out as a person. I know it's such a cliche thing to say, but I really believe it. I've gone through a certain amount myself and I believe I am a much stronger person than say, 3 years ago. I just haven't been able to test this strength and actually can't wait to. But everything happens in its own time!

Tavalodam Mobaurak

I turned 21 on August 3rd. I am FINALLY 21 now!!! YAY, no more having trouble getting into clubs or bars!!! WOOHOO!! That is the only benefit of turning twenty-one, being able to order a drink, hand over my ID, and not have to wait in anticipation to see whether the bouncer/waiter says anything about how the year of expiration on my ID looks marked in with a sharpie. LOL! Those days are over! I can't wait to go some place that I can really take advantage of it, like Las Vegas! I do still have a fear of aging though. I've wanted to stop aging since I was 17. 17 just seems like a nice, youthful number. Most people say I look younger anyway, which I take as a compliment.

At exactly 12 a.m. midnight of my b-day,my crazy-silly guy friend called and played Andy's "Tavalodet Mobaurak" in the background, which was really sweet, and random of him. Then again, he is always random. He also made me watch a strip-tease he did on some girl on her b-day. It was hilarious and had me really appreciating the fact that it wasn't me.

For lunch my family and I went to a persian restaurant and ate kabob to celebrate. I got the soltani which is what I usually get. Then towards the end, all the waiters and waitresses gathered and sang me happy birthday and brought me...baghlavah! With a candle in it. I was so embarrassed, my face turned so red and I felt as if I was slowly melting into the ground. I understand it's pretty much restaurant tradition to do this on someone's birthday but I can't handle the sudden attention. After it was over, they were gonna start singing "tavalodet mobaurak" and I was like "NO, NO THAT'S O.K.!" Thank God they didn't!

Afterwards, I went to study and when I came home I finally got what I've always wanted: a cupcake cake. It was in the shape of a butterfly...I love LOVE butterflies!

Needless to say, the cupcakes finished in less than a day. I think there might be one left in the fridge, but I can't afford to eat it with all its sugary calories!

Today, the only interesting thing that happened--if you can even call it that--was that I wore my green velvet BCBG sweats and matching jacket to go study, and as I came downstairs with my tote, 3 books, and blanket in my hand, my khaleh (aunt) felt the need to take a picture of my helplessness. Then, as I was leaving, she said I matched the greenery outside and she insisted on taking another picture. It felt like the first day of kindergarten all over again. Except, in my case, the first day of kindergarten applied to the first day of school every year. That's Iranian parents for you.

Studying has been going o.k. as well. I might have to take my exam in January and study again in December b/c I have less that 3 weeks left and I just feel like it's not enough. However, I am still studying since I still have a lot to cover and I want a nice foundation for when I start back up again in December. I also plan on doing some casual studying during the semester so I don't forget everything. I am really beginning to hate all this, but I have to do it! No backing out!

My past time has become looking at different blogs and now I am obsessed with this website www.lookbook.nu and now am trying to get an invite. I'm a dork, I know. This is what happens when you don't allow yourself to do anything.

Anywho, I should either get ready for bed or get some studying done. 'Night!

Fekr

Today, when I woke up earlier than I usually do, I decided to do my laundry as it was long long LONG overdue (did I just rhyme?). As I was just now folding my clothes, a few thoughts occurred to me...

For one, I realized that I have a striped tank top that used to belong to my mom from back when she was young , probably around my age (and she is in her 50's at the moment--you do the math). Then, it suddenly sprang to my mind that the colors on the tank still looked as if it were bought right off the rack! The browns and blues on it still look vibrant with absolutely no fading...I tried to look for a brand name, a tag on the inside seams to see where it was made, but there was absolutely nothing. Not even a size tag. Now, I'm sure my mom has gotten some good use out of that tank and I, myself have washed it a dozen times already. Isn't that amazing? The conclusion that I came from that is that they certainly don't make clothes (or stain threads and fabric) like they used to.

Another thing I realized was that I have two of the same exact t-shirts that belongs to an ex boyfriend of mine. At that moment, I felt compelled to text him and ask him if he wants them, or at least one, back. Which he said no and that he had two more of the same t-shirt and that I could keep it. More night ware for me!

Also, as I was folding my raggedy Mini Mouse nightgown away that I bought from Disney Land in Orlando, Fl., I realized how much I miss the winter break that I took that trip. It was a vacation I took with my sister and cousin. My other cousin was interning there in one of their resort hotels and so we had got some bad-ass deals on the theme park tickets. It was a much-needed, fun vacation where I got to be a kid again, without thoughts of school, men and the issues related to them, and generally adult-related things. It also made me think about children and having some of my own someday, for some odd reason. I would love to, some day, have a child of my own. However, I think all this studying/working hard and going to school in order to make a decent income, so that I can live a nice life is not meant to be so that I can pop a baby out, get some sort of postpartum depression (God forbid) and have he/she turn into a bank-account leech. What I mean by this is, I hope to spend at least a hand-full of years being worry-free of the anxieties that a child is bound to bring, and to be able to splurge, for once, on myself (and my parents). It is a bit selfish, but I think it's well deserved. Oh well, that's just me.

Perhaps I ought to be thinking these thoughts when I am at least close to being married or in a serious relationship or something, but neither of these are in the near horizon for me, which is fine. It was just a thought that occurred to me. Anywho, I need to get ready for bed. 'Night!

P.S. I got some studying done today but not as good as the past two days. I hope to be done with all Biology by tomorrow *keeping fingers crossed*.